So lately I feel like I can't recognize myself anymore, like I am different and can't tell whether this is good or not. I just feel so lost and don't know what I should do. I know that my new friends like who I am, but still. Last year I was a die hard History major and today I am a die hard Theater major. I mean I have always loved the theater, really I have.
I am also starting to process a shit load of painful memories like of my dad. As weird as that sounds I blocked everything out that he did to me until this summer when I did this seminar through a program called Lifestream. They have a website www.lifestreamrochester.com .
It's just I don't think I am ready to deal with anything and just want to break down and cry all the time, but can't unless I am pushed over the edge. I just feel like one of these days I am going to fall on my face.
Right now every single thought is suicide. I say I won't go through with it. I've been struggling with these thoughts my whole life and every year it is getting harder to find a reason to continue on. I realize suicide is selfish and maybe that is the only reason I haven't gone through with it. Now I have people telling me I have no right to feel the way I do without letting me explain anything to them and driving me to feel even worse.
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Fuck people. Everyone goes through transitions where they feel lost. I did. For a long time. I'm still kind of there. You're just shedding your skin. Becoming something else. You may not like that thing you become but the marvelous thing about being human is that you can just keep on changing.
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