The Worst Pies in London

Well there has been nothing really worthy of blogging lately in my opinion.

Well I got my first tattoo yesterday at Lady Luck in Canandaigua. It is the word 'AGAPE' vertically down my left forearm written in gothic script. It only took a hour and $90. Despite what people may have heard about tattoos, they really aren't painful in my opinion....they just feel like a bad sunburn. Although mind you I have a high tolerance of pain and have been in the emergency room countless times.

Come to think of it I have probably been in the emergency room more than one of your grandparents. I have had stitches, stomach pumps, forced to ingest charcoal and other countless things involving the psychiatric ward. I am beyond crazy and have been put on most meds to help with this. Meds don't help me out, they only make it worse for me because well I do not really have an official diagnosis, and just show tendencies of a wide spectrum of mental disorders and such. I know I am not the only person with problems in the world and I definitely cannot say I have been through the worst since the population of Africa would most likely come over on boats and spear me or something if they heard some middle class person in America complaining about her shitty life. No I am not racist. If you found my last statement about spears offensive, read a book because there are still tribes in Africa that use simple weapons.

Just a Girl

Well I've been listening to music a lot lately....mostly shit that I feel sadness while listening to it. I don't I guess I do it out of spite just so that I can be certain some things never change. Maybe this is one of the reasons I started drinking or doing drugs.

Most of the time I feel this pressure that everyone expects me to do great things like my brother or extremely mess up like my bitch sister. Even though there are the benefits of being the youngest when you're like 5.....whatever you're siblings affect your future. It's just too much pressure. I know I have made this pressure....I thrive on it, but sometimes I bite off more than I can chew.

I cannot deal with reality most of the time because coping sucks. This is where acting comes into my life. The only place I truly feel alive is on stage spatting out memorized lines to a script or whatever. Maybe it's because I don't need to think for myself in that moment of time. But everyday the thing I loved more than anything in the world is becoming more like a chore and I just feel so empty inside.

I got really drunk last night. I was going to try and jump from my roof. I know it's a stupid idea, which is why I didn't go through with it. So after an eternity in just shorts and a t-shirt in the snow with bare feet, i stepped back from the ledge. I know people care about me. Some of them know what I have been through.

I will tell you what I am going to do and just stop bitching about my life. I am going to turn off my heart and emotions slowly everyday and just become this massive blob of nothingness that functions like that of a robot.

Reflect the Storm

I have been doing a lot of thinking while I spend the majority of my time in my lair on this laptop or playing guitar hero or playing piano.

I used to care what people think of me, desperately. I would do anything to belong and hide who I truly am. I learned recently that friendship doesn't work like that because as a friend of mine told me recently, you will end up with a bunch of artificial friendships.

The truth about me is that I am not sane, one bit. I used to be an emo bitch, but have changed because I realized no one will like you if you are constantly complaining about your life and saying how your life is worse compared to everyone else. I hang out with a lot of these people and just want to make them see their life isn't the worst and everyone is going through shit. I had my reality check circa junior year in high school. I still trip up and get back in that old way of life, but atleast doing it less and less.

Then I have friends that are awesome like Rachel. The friends who are down to earth and have had their reality check already. I applaud this. Without these friends I would probably be sucked back into the whole complaining about stupid shit society. I have gone through some serious shit, but I am not going to publish it for the world to read because I don't want your fucking sympathy. When you are with me, just embrace who I am otherwise do not bother.

You Say You Want a Revolution

So I was talking to my "foster" dad about the War in Iraq. Now I don't mind a friendly debate, but there is a line and be prepared when you crossed it with me. You see I have had family in the military since always and I a really strong supporter of it. I don't care if you are for or against the war because you have freedom of speech.

Anyways in the middle of this he flat out said the goal of the military is just to kill people. That just pissed me off because without a military our country would not be protected against the terrorists. what annoys me about these anti-war people is that if they hate our government so much then why don't they just move to fucking Canada? If I could I would be fighting over seas in Iraq because I appreciate what my friends and family are doing for this country. Go ahead and bitch back with your comments because of the first amendment.

Now if we weren't attacked on 9/11/2001 then I would probably have a different opinion about what's going on in Iraq, but I don't want another attack on our nation like that or of Pearl Harbor. No one wants to just go out and kill people without a motivation.

This includes serial killers like Ed Gein, Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy. They had some messed things happen to them. I don't support their actions, but being an insane individual as well, I can understand where they come from. the only time I truly support anything like cannibalism is if you are in a plane crashes on to a desert island with lack of vegetation, and you and only one other person survives.

I seriously feel like everybody is losing sight of what has been going on for the past eight years and forget what they are even fighting for.

I just don't know anymore

So lately I feel like I can't recognize myself anymore, like I am different and can't tell whether this is good or not. I just feel so lost and don't know what I should do. I know that my new friends like who I am, but still. Last year I was a die hard History major and today I am a die hard Theater major. I mean I have always loved the theater, really I have.

I am also starting to process a shit load of painful memories like of my dad. As weird as that sounds I blocked everything out that he did to me until this summer when I did this seminar through a program called Lifestream. They have a website www.lifestreamrochester.com .

It's just I don't think I am ready to deal with anything and just want to break down and cry all the time, but can't unless I am pushed over the edge. I just feel like one of these days I am going to fall on my face.

Right now every single thought is suicide. I say I won't go through with it. I've been struggling with these thoughts my whole life and every year it is getting harder to find a reason to continue on. I realize suicide is selfish and maybe that is the only reason I haven't gone through with it. Now I have people telling me I have no right to feel the way I do without letting me explain anything to them and driving me to feel even worse.