Well there has been nothing really worthy of blogging lately in my opinion.
Well I got my first tattoo yesterday at Lady Luck in Canandaigua. It is the word 'AGAPE' vertically down my left forearm written in gothic script. It only took a hour and $90. Despite what people may have heard about tattoos, they really aren't painful in my opinion....they just feel like a bad sunburn. Although mind you I have a high tolerance of pain and have been in the emergency room countless times.
Come to think of it I have probably been in the emergency room more than one of your grandparents. I have had stitches, stomach pumps, forced to ingest charcoal and other countless things involving the psychiatric ward. I am beyond crazy and have been put on most meds to help with this. Meds don't help me out, they only make it worse for me because well I do not really have an official diagnosis, and just show tendencies of a wide spectrum of mental disorders and such. I know I am not the only person with problems in the world and I definitely cannot say I have been through the worst since the population of Africa would most likely come over on boats and spear me or something if they heard some middle class person in America complaining about her shitty life. No I am not racist. If you found my last statement about spears offensive, read a book because there are still tribes in Africa that use simple weapons.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Just a Girl
Well I've been listening to music a lot lately....mostly shit that I feel sadness while listening to it. I don't I guess I do it out of spite just so that I can be certain some things never change. Maybe this is one of the reasons I started drinking or doing drugs.
Most of the time I feel this pressure that everyone expects me to do great things like my brother or extremely mess up like my bitch sister. Even though there are the benefits of being the youngest when you're like 5.....whatever you're siblings affect your future. It's just too much pressure. I know I have made this pressure....I thrive on it, but sometimes I bite off more than I can chew.
I cannot deal with reality most of the time because coping sucks. This is where acting comes into my life. The only place I truly feel alive is on stage spatting out memorized lines to a script or whatever. Maybe it's because I don't need to think for myself in that moment of time. But everyday the thing I loved more than anything in the world is becoming more like a chore and I just feel so empty inside.
I got really drunk last night. I was going to try and jump from my roof. I know it's a stupid idea, which is why I didn't go through with it. So after an eternity in just shorts and a t-shirt in the snow with bare feet, i stepped back from the ledge. I know people care about me. Some of them know what I have been through.
I will tell you what I am going to do and just stop bitching about my life. I am going to turn off my heart and emotions slowly everyday and just become this massive blob of nothingness that functions like that of a robot.
Most of the time I feel this pressure that everyone expects me to do great things like my brother or extremely mess up like my bitch sister. Even though there are the benefits of being the youngest when you're like 5.....whatever you're siblings affect your future. It's just too much pressure. I know I have made this pressure....I thrive on it, but sometimes I bite off more than I can chew.
I cannot deal with reality most of the time because coping sucks. This is where acting comes into my life. The only place I truly feel alive is on stage spatting out memorized lines to a script or whatever. Maybe it's because I don't need to think for myself in that moment of time. But everyday the thing I loved more than anything in the world is becoming more like a chore and I just feel so empty inside.
I got really drunk last night. I was going to try and jump from my roof. I know it's a stupid idea, which is why I didn't go through with it. So after an eternity in just shorts and a t-shirt in the snow with bare feet, i stepped back from the ledge. I know people care about me. Some of them know what I have been through.
I will tell you what I am going to do and just stop bitching about my life. I am going to turn off my heart and emotions slowly everyday and just become this massive blob of nothingness that functions like that of a robot.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Reflect the Storm
I have been doing a lot of thinking while I spend the majority of my time in my lair on this laptop or playing guitar hero or playing piano.
I used to care what people think of me, desperately. I would do anything to belong and hide who I truly am. I learned recently that friendship doesn't work like that because as a friend of mine told me recently, you will end up with a bunch of artificial friendships.
The truth about me is that I am not sane, one bit. I used to be an emo bitch, but have changed because I realized no one will like you if you are constantly complaining about your life and saying how your life is worse compared to everyone else. I hang out with a lot of these people and just want to make them see their life isn't the worst and everyone is going through shit. I had my reality check circa junior year in high school. I still trip up and get back in that old way of life, but atleast doing it less and less.
Then I have friends that are awesome like Rachel. The friends who are down to earth and have had their reality check already. I applaud this. Without these friends I would probably be sucked back into the whole complaining about stupid shit society. I have gone through some serious shit, but I am not going to publish it for the world to read because I don't want your fucking sympathy. When you are with me, just embrace who I am otherwise do not bother.
I used to care what people think of me, desperately. I would do anything to belong and hide who I truly am. I learned recently that friendship doesn't work like that because as a friend of mine told me recently, you will end up with a bunch of artificial friendships.
The truth about me is that I am not sane, one bit. I used to be an emo bitch, but have changed because I realized no one will like you if you are constantly complaining about your life and saying how your life is worse compared to everyone else. I hang out with a lot of these people and just want to make them see their life isn't the worst and everyone is going through shit. I had my reality check circa junior year in high school. I still trip up and get back in that old way of life, but atleast doing it less and less.
Then I have friends that are awesome like Rachel. The friends who are down to earth and have had their reality check already. I applaud this. Without these friends I would probably be sucked back into the whole complaining about stupid shit society. I have gone through some serious shit, but I am not going to publish it for the world to read because I don't want your fucking sympathy. When you are with me, just embrace who I am otherwise do not bother.
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