Just a Girl

Well I've been listening to music a lot lately....mostly shit that I feel sadness while listening to it. I don't I guess I do it out of spite just so that I can be certain some things never change. Maybe this is one of the reasons I started drinking or doing drugs.

Most of the time I feel this pressure that everyone expects me to do great things like my brother or extremely mess up like my bitch sister. Even though there are the benefits of being the youngest when you're like 5.....whatever you're siblings affect your future. It's just too much pressure. I know I have made this pressure....I thrive on it, but sometimes I bite off more than I can chew.

I cannot deal with reality most of the time because coping sucks. This is where acting comes into my life. The only place I truly feel alive is on stage spatting out memorized lines to a script or whatever. Maybe it's because I don't need to think for myself in that moment of time. But everyday the thing I loved more than anything in the world is becoming more like a chore and I just feel so empty inside.

I got really drunk last night. I was going to try and jump from my roof. I know it's a stupid idea, which is why I didn't go through with it. So after an eternity in just shorts and a t-shirt in the snow with bare feet, i stepped back from the ledge. I know people care about me. Some of them know what I have been through.

I will tell you what I am going to do and just stop bitching about my life. I am going to turn off my heart and emotions slowly everyday and just become this massive blob of nothingness that functions like that of a robot.